I don't trust your heartburn...

                                                                         image originally created by Cishore

During my latest stint at a shelter for which I sometimes volunteer I had yet another encounter that left me feeling uneasy. So let me begin by saying that by and large I am a rule follower- as long as I don’t find them morally bankrupt or a foundational impediment to my purpose. I used to interpret rules loosely when I was younger but now I am a rule follower.

When I was the campus minister at Northeastern University in downtown Boston I used to spend a lot of time in the campus center. Every morning I’d buy a small ice tea because it was free refills all day. I’d sit at a table and do my work, have appointments and generally hang out. I would fill up that ice tea all day long. However, I would not allow anyone else to use my cup and get themselves a drink. That would break the rule of “free refills” which is intended to benefit only the one who purchased the drink. I do not copy my CDs for others, I don’t purchase bootlegs and I never ever go through the grocery line marked “12 items or less” if I have 13 items. I follow the rules.

So during my latest shift at the shelter I was faced with a dilemma. The rules state that no one is allowed to go outside the shelter for any reason after 10 PM. If they go outside they cannot return. The reason for the rule is so that no one can leave to get alcohol or drugs and then return again. The shelter is a “dry” shelter. No one is even allowed outside for a smoke after 10 PM. Some might state that such rules infringe upon the dignity of the individual since we are dealing with grown men and not children. Decades of experience from those that run shelters might say otherwise. In any case it is the rules. They are meant to protect both the other inhabitants of the shelter and the volunteers. Back to my dilemma.

At about 1 AM a man got up and headed out the door. I told him he could not leave if he wanted to stay the night. He responded that he needed to go to his car and get his heartburn medication because he couldn’t sleep. He told me this without slowing down or giving any indication that this rule would deter him in any way. I also gleaned from the tone and language he applied that his mood was on the darker spectrum from my cheerful attempt at first contact.

Rules are rules. And yet… rules applied in a vacuum of context often create greater problems. I needed to improvise here.  On the one hand if he indeed simply needed his medication there is no reason not to help him in an already uncomfortable and somewhat humbling evening of sleeping in a homeless shelter with 25 other men. Then again, I had the other inhabitants and volunteers to consider if he wasn’t getting heartburn medication but some form of narcotic- which was my very true fear.

“Well I’ll need to walk you to your car then.” Unfortunately, he didn’t appreciate the situation I was in and threatened me instead saying he would do this or that if I tried to follow him. Now I am not a small man so I wasn’t concerned for my physical safety yet he rightly interpreted what was implied- “I don’t trust your heartburn.” Now there are a myriad of reasons I can give for why I should care less about what offense this offered the man not the least of which was that if he wanted to utilize the benefits of the free shelter, food and bedding he’d have to abide by some rules.  However, I get his resentment. Nevertheless there I stood watching him get his medication out of the car while cursing me under his breath.

In an unbelievable twist of fate I happened to be suffering from an awful bout of heartburn myself. I never have heartburn ordinarily but I had drunk a Mountain Dew earlier that day (which I had just put together was the culprit of any heartburn I’ve had in the last five years) and was suffering its effect. Despite the man’s rant I actually had the audacity- which I trace both to my morbid desire to see how radical variables can affect volatile situations and my general oblivion to the extreme emotions of others- to ask for one of his heartburn tablets. For some strange reason this actually seemed to quiet his discontent. He began saying “no” because they were prescription and cost him $15 a bottle but then stopped and said “Well… if you want one you can have one.”

Deciding that I probably shouldn’t be taking paid medication out of the hands of a man that was presently homeless, nor risk the chance that such medication might be something other than a normal heartburn prescription I declined with a “thanks”. A subdued peace settled between the two of us and back off to bed he went. I went back to the kitchen to make his lunch for the next day.

Yet, there I was making turkey sandwiches with the discomforting feeling that all dilemmas offer after they’ve passed. What could I have done differently? Somehow if Jesus was put in the same situation that man would have not only made a decision to change his life but would have thanked Jesus for their late night discussion with tears of devotion. Right? After a couple days of mulling it over I’m not so sure.

The reality is that there were times people wanted to kill Jesus even before his unjust demise. Most people chose not to follow him while some called him insane, gluttonous and even a demon. So sometimes there are simply “no win” situations within a given moment. The important part is to remain at peace with the person in your own heart. Much the way Jesus was with the rich young ruler who rejected Jesus and walked away. In that moment of rejection it says that Jesus loved him (Mark 10:21).

The unease I felt is the after-effect of where my own heart went as I tried to do the right thing both through following the rules of the shelter and by giving the man an opportunity to get his medicine. I had no real compassion for the man and instead was trying to fight down my angry impulses while he berated me. I did nothing wrong in action, yet it is where I allowed my heart to tread that betrayed my best intensions as woefully lacking. Despite what we may say or do it is what is truly taking place inside us- the heart as it were- that does the real communicating.

What an unbelievable pain. I consider it a task of monumental difficulty for me to find compassion for people. Yet there we go. It wasn’t in His style, rhetoric or even miracles that Jesus won people over. It was where he started with them. He was at peace with people and on that account many found, despite themselves, that they felt at peace with Him as well. It won’t be until I imitate Him in this that I will be free from the after effects of conflict and the inevitable and ensuing heartburn.